The Souls Who Guide Me
by IceeeKitty
Summary: This is my new fanfic The Souls Who Guide Me. It is about a ordinary kitten named Darkenedpaw who's mother is the famous Clan leader. She could have anything she wants, but instead she turns her self to her "souls" which are sort of the shadows or all the people she has killed and her sins
1. Prologue

I apologize for my souls, the shadows of my sins.

You see, that cat is wrong. That cat may be the shining star to all others, but that cat is wrong. I did horrible things. It's quite brave of that cat to stand up for me, to try to protect me, the grotesque, horrible one, from that cat's fawning admirers, but I can't hide from the truth. I did wrong things, and for that, I should pay.

But I hide under that cat's kind and helpful words. That cat is so sweet and caring and helpful for trying to ease my heavy burden. But unfortunately, I can hide no longer. The true, beautiful, simple, unwavering, pure truth has to come out someday, and that cat, no matter how much they try, is not going to stop or protect me.

Because it's true. It's true that I am a cat that should be punished with a gruesome death, it's true that I'm a cat that has committed unthinkable sins, and it's true that I have been a coward, peeking out behind that cat. And I'm ashamed of my diminished courage, and so, therefore, everyone must know that I am to be blamed for everything.

Prologue

"I-I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I...I really am. I ... know that any apology isn't enough, for what I did, but I truly am sorry. I really mean it. I'm not...not lying this time. mousedung, this is hard."

I look up from my paws, and try not to shrink back from the stares I receive. My mother, my poor, sweet mother, gazes upon me with wide, golden eyes, afraid for me. For all I've done, it isn't just. Even I knew that. My eyes flicker back to my paws and trembling tail tip, and I inhale in a deep breath. My pelt feels hot, scorched from the disbelief and anger that radiates from my listeners. I force myself to look up and ignore my own shaking.

"I am to be blamed...for everything," I tell them solemnly, my voice vibrating in my throat. It becomes difficult to swallow. "Nobody else did anything. Not Mintsky, not Thrushtail, not even Ravenwish - I did it all. I lied. And my mother isn't to blame either, she was just being a mother. A very good mother. But... I lied to her, too." I hang my head, my heart heavy with shame. The souls of my nightmares dance about my head, and I force them away to clear my eyes. My heart thuds painfully in my chest, my head aches, and my eyes burn. Stop it, I told my souls, stop it. There's nothing you nor Mother nor I can do. Stop it. They need to hear the truth.

That single truth, simple yet so blemished with the marks of murder and hard with the scabs of lies. I am still selfish - I am hoping that I could free myself of these battle wounds of life with my confession. With the pure, unwavering truth of the realities of the past, surely I could free my mind and sleep of my souls once I revealed myself.

"Darkenedsoul," I hear Clovestar say, quiet, sad, but firm.

"No," I whisper.

Clovestar's eyes soften. "My deputy, you are ill. You have suffered. All you need is to see-"

"You're wrong," I barely meow, but it is enough to shut her up.

Why don't I take it? The excuse of illness, weariness, and nightmares for my so-called delusional confessions? I had done so for my odd behavior and tossing and turnings before, so why not now? Couldn't I stay behind my mother, the unquestionable role model and great leader everyone looked up to? Why is it so hard to live a life and leave the past behind?

It is because I cannot hide. My bloody claws, my horrible deeds, my darkened dreams, they all haunt me, and I cannot save myself from them. I can no longer live a life of lies. I can no longer hide, peeping out from behind my desperate hopes that one day they will lift from my mind like clouds parting after a vicious storm. My hopes, to which I had clung to for so long, are gone now, having slipped from my grasp to the endless abyss of my souls.

I clear my throat, straighten up, and firmly look my mother, my leader, in the eye. "You're wrong," I say, my voice quaking. "You may be...a shining star to all others, but, you're wrong. I did...horrible things. It...it's so brave of you, though. So kind. So helpful. But...help can only do so much. I have to work the rest of the way to ease the heavy burden on my soul." I gaze at my mother, imploringly, and finally, with grief-stricken eyes and a nod of the head, Clovestar pulls away. My shield is gone, and there is no one to hide from the glaring, blazing, yet incredible truth. As much as I quiver, as much as I shake, I look up at the blinding suns I see in every clanmates' eye.

Another choice, another way out, pops into my head. It is a path where I can reveal my souls and escape terrible punishment.

"Because it's true," I say softly. "This is why. And this is how. Please, listen to my story, and do with me as you will...after I speak."

I straighten up, attempt to soothe my racing heart and uncurl my twisting tongue, and begin. To lay it, so dreadful and wicked, upon judging ears terrifies me, but my choice has been made. My story unfolds.


	2. Chapter 1

This one is sort of long. Would you mind if I post the cats who are in it next? Tell me in reviews. I do not own warrior cats.

Chapter One

You all know my mother Clovestar, right? Cloveseed, back when I was born? Of course you do. Defeater of the Rockies. The unstoppable force that prevented that invasion of the whatever, the hope in that greencough season, defender of our clan, yadda yadda yadda - oh, I don't mean to be disrespectful. It is clear she is a hero, and was a worthy deputy. I do not argue about that. But you see, when I was growing up in the nursery, I would spend days hearing story after story, and then same stories repeatedly after I was apprenticed. At first, I was real proud, and loved hearing about my mother, who acted humble and encouraging. However, after a while, I grew resentful.

"Will I ever be like you?" Mintpaw mewed, gazing up wonderingly at Cloveseed after hearing the daring tale of how she managed to chase off a Rocky and protect a nursery filled with kits once more. Her mother bent her head and licked my sister on the head with a gleam in her eye.

"If you work hard and train well, I have no doubt you will grow to be a wonderful warrior," Cloveseed purred.

"Not as good as you," grumbled I, digging into my thrush. Neither Mintpaw nor Cloveseed heard.

"Hey, Mintpaw!" I looked up and over as my brother Rubblepaw limped over. His eyes were sparkling. "Do you want to come and train with Sandfire and me?"

And I, I thought, but stayed silent, gobbling the rest of my meal.

"Sure!" Mintpaw chirped, jumping to her paws. "Maybe we can bring Icepaw and Talonpaw and have a group training session!" That's my sister, all right. The go-getter. The "more the merrier" type.

Cloveseed watched after them, the love warm and clear in her eyes. I hastily licked my paw and drew it over my ear. "Erm," I stammered quietly. Cloveseed stood up and walked over to the warriors den without acknowledging me. I doubt she had even known I was there in the first place.

It wasn't like I had any special treatment, daughter of the clan heroine or whatever. Everyone was careful not to get me and my littermates needy of attention by overgiving it.

They were too careful. I began longing for attention even more so. It was only me, because Mintpaw? She was popular all on her own, friendly and outgoing and everything that made cats like her. Rubblepaw had his bad foot, so he got attention nonetheless. Yet he was a good cat, taking his affliction well and working hard to cope with it.

I wasn't really there. According to my clanmates, I didn't seem worthy of attention. My mother was better. My littermates were better. Back then, it didn't really matter to me, because I liked being on my own. The souls became my friends. It wasn't healthy to stay in the souls of my mother, sister, and brother, so I drew back into some different ones.

My own.

"Hey, why aren't you parading around with your siblings?" a snide voice woke me from my imagined adventure. I froze, my paws paused about a small ball of moss. Embarrassment crawled across my fur as if I were pressing against a sun-warmed stone.

It took me a moment to find my voice as I look at the pale gray she-cat. "Um, sorry? What do you mean?"

The apprentice rolled her eyes. I recognized her as Ravenpaw, though I never really talked to her. She angled her tail towards Mintpaw bringing in some prey with the hunting patrol while Rubblepaw told a joke to his circle of friends. As usual, I felt a pang in the hollow spot in the corner of my heart as I watched their glowing eyes and sunlit faces: their happiness. "In other words, why aren't you out there, soaking it in that you are Clovestar's kit?"

I didn't like her tone. I lifted my chin and stared at her defiantly. "It's not like that. Mintpaw and Rubblepaw aren't attention-seekers."

"Sure looks like it," Ravenpaw sneered, blinking her dark blue eyes in a way that made me mad.

"Look here, my littermates have...have the...er, the ability to make others laugh and...feel happy. I don't, and apparently you don't either. I'll - I'll bet you hardly know either of them, and you certainly don't know me. Leave us alone if you only see us as the brats of Clovestar!" I snapped, feeling my pelt heat up at the sound of my stammering. I couldn't believe I just spat all that into a clanmate's face. I wasn't one to talk that much, not to mention I sounded really idiotic. I could hardly move my paws to get out of that situation and move to a shadowy spot.

Ravenpaw didn't laugh or make fun of me, as I had expected, but gave me a twisted smile. "All right then," was all she said. I couldn't tell if she had been testing me or what she was even thinking, but I didn't ask. She sat next to me, little invisible me playing with a moss ball in the shadows like a kit, and didn't say another word.

Ravenwish became sort of a friend to me. Even now, I don't remember her as a friend. She was like a shadow. A frienemy. I suppose that had been better than none.

After all, no one else would come up to me. Not even Mintsky. She was busy with her other friends. I guess it was due to my own shyness, but it was also because I never had that aura that wasn't noticed. No one really knew me because of it.

It helped, actually. It helped a lot.

Not that it was a good thing.

"Hurry, Rubblefoot!" I heard Mintsky laugh as her paws treaded the ground lightly, as if they considered it pitiful to touch the ground for more than a second. I listened to Rubblefoot's panting as he hurried after his energetic sister, his footfalls heavier on the earth.

The two young warriors were delighted, full of cheer, and full of themselves. They've gone out against the Rockies, who've risen up once more, and came back almost as honored as their mother. Of course they would live up to their birthright.

I, on the other hand, killed quietly. I stood on the side, carefully washing my wounds, and watched the parade of the victorious patrol march as well as they could while sporting their own injuries. Their new scars were proof of courage, loyalty, and nobility. Claws did little work and left close to nothing on my pelt. Call me a coward, but I fought without the glory nor bravery my fellow clan mates charged in fully armed with. I kept to my souls, snuck up behind, and caused spirits to leave their corpses behind almost silently. I was a gentle, quiet killer. My claws, stained red after each fight, are carefully sheathed and hidden until I could wash them.

"Geez, slow down, I'm the one who's supposed to be leading. You won't believe how marvelous the place I found is."

My pelt stood on end, and I froze, staring out from behind the prickly bush that shielded me from their notice. "Rubblefoot," I whispered, voice choked with betrayal and raw anger. "How could you?"

You see, I have discovered a place during my apprenticeship, a place where I could be alone and live up to my fantasies. A place cloaked in thick souls, where the faint glowing pools could show their light. I was fascinated by the quiet and secrecy of the place. I went there nearly every day, as much as I could.

Rubblefoot, then Rubblepaw, one day followed me, or rather, my scent. Perhaps it had been a challenge, from himself or his peers. It wasn't like Rubblepaw had something important to tell me, after all. We didn't really talk, though I would watch him laugh, and sometimes see him cast me a glance at the corner of my eye. We were littermates, but not friends. We were of a mutual neutral feelings. It wasn't as if he'd decided to up one day and get to know me...right?

I was heading out of the cave as usual when I scented him. Of course, I panicked and hid.

Rubblepaw found the cave. My hiding place. My special secret. When he came out, his eyes were shining as brightly as the pools within. I knew he had found them, and had found them as fascinating as I have. I was horrified; yet I didn't have anything to fear. As I followed him back, he didn't say a word, because after he got back to camp, it was Rockies fighting time. Everyone was so excited, and getting ready, and he had no time. Of course, when they got back, he became a warrior along with Mintsky.

Again, I wasn't included.

Not that I cared. I didn't care the slightest bit. I didn't include myself with them in my mind. Why should I had cared? I mean, it wasn't like I didn't anything to deserve it.

Yet as I watched from my place in the souls, newly named Mintsky and Rubblefoot proudly puffed up their chests to the roaring, proud chant of their names that echoed in my ears. I sat, lowly, still bearing my apprentice name.

"Oh, what is it, then?" Mintsky mewed, her voice filled with amusement and affection. My pelt prickled with jealousy. We were never that close, either. I never had such emotion directed towards me. Yet there was that little voice in my head that sneered, Who cares?

"A cave!" Rubblefoot meowed excitedly.

My heart sank.

"A beautiful cave, dark, but it has these...you'll see! It'll be such a surprise!"

"Is it far?"

"'Course not! Just past this river, c'mon! I've been wanting to show you for so long, since before the Rockies battle!"

"Just past the river? Bet I can get there before you!" Mintsky teased. She leapt forth and vanished from my line of view. Rubblefoot's whiskers twitched in amusement and he settled for a more even pace. He still limped. I envied his limp. So burdened with a stump for a leg, yet so innocent and skilled; Rubblefoot should had been someone I looked up to and admired. My little imp in the black corners of my mind swelled with jealousy instead.

My paws grew restless. My pelt burned with my suppressed rage. No! No! Not another of my littermates could not find that cave! I will never find another moment of peace!

My claws were unsheathed, though they didn't need to be. I slowly inched from my hiding spot and stayed downwind of my brother, my eyes focused on him, the cursed him, cursed and blessed with his foot...

All the thoughts I secretly thought, secretly harbored, and secretly nurtured came storming into my dark mind, strong and fast. Instead of throwing me off my paws like a tidal wave, they urged me, built my strength, and made my swallow any trace of affection I had left for my littermate.

Curse him. His foot was laughing at me, mocking me, saying I couldn't even best a disabled cat. I couldn't best my own brother, whom I've watched and known from the nursery. I couldn't keep a mere secret from my own brother. Curse him.

I sidled next to him, quiet and casual. Rubblefoot probably felt my presence, for he turned his head and his eyes widened in surprise. His large amber eyes lurched forth deep into my own, latching to my soul.

Before he could speak, I calmly gave him a hard shove in the direction of the river's rushing waters.

Perhaps I was jealous. Maybe I let my temper get the best of me. All right, I even thought I loathed my littermates for outshining me, leaving me in the dark, with the company of cold and gloomy souls. Their findings...his findings of my cave was the last straw. All my jealousy, all my anger, all my hatred leapt out, blinding me and guiding my paws to a quick murder.

I pushed Rubblefoot into that river. I knew with his limp leg he wouldn't be able to swim, nor even stand up in those swift waters. I was the one who watched, numbly, all my raging feelings draining away, as my brother was whisked away by that river. The first and last cat who knew of my secret cave was gone.

In my first spot in the sun, its horrible rays which scorched my fur and tinged my sight with red, I killed. I killed not an enemy of the clan, but an enemy of my own souls.

I slunk back to my souls, feeling as empty and as cold as the freezing fingers of their darkness. A piece of me was gone, snatched away by that look in Rubblefoot's eyes, then stolen by the waters that downed him.

I tried, hard, not to care.


	3. Chapter 2

I don't own warriors! Hope you like it!

Chapter Two

You can imagine my predicament. I was hiding, alone in the souls, gazing with blank eyes out at the very site of my brother's murder, not to mention that I was responsible. Mintsky was coming back, calling for Rubblefoot, confused that the gray tom hadn't shown up.

It was then I had an idea. An atrocious, vicious, cruel, sneaky idea. Suddenly, Rubblefoot's death was a convenience. It was fate.

After my frozen heart was sealed up, all passages to remorse and emotion blocked, my conscious driven and locked in the night-filled corner of my mind, my souls began to whisper.

I stared out at my sister, now just a uselessly cheery tabby brat calling out with her irritatingly high-pitched voice. "Rubblefoot! Where did you go?" Her light teasing tone dropped a bit as she said, "If you jump out and scare me again..."

She had stolen all the attention. From my mother, from my peers, and from my clan mates. She, in league with her shriveled footed brother, snatched any rays that were foretold to fall upon me and showed it off. I despised her, loathed each beautiful hair on her pelt with a passion, a fiery passion that stirred deep down in my gut and scorched me from the inside. The golden-eyed, those with the sunlight in their eyes and the glory radiating from their perfection, were nothing to me. They were fiends, vicious fiends hiding behind a sparkly curtain of glamour, fame, and kindness. Those are the worst kinds. One stood, right in front of me, right in front of the place I pushed the other into the river.

One was already gone, shot down from our mother's gaze by force. If I could take Mintsky away, my mother would have to love me. She would have to seek me out, as the last of her litter, and comfort me, raining down all the attention I had secretly longed for in bitter silence.

I concocted a plan, one devised in mere moments.

I would blame Mintsky for my crime.

"Oh, Mintsky," I said softly. "How could you?"

Mintsky turned around and spotted me. A look of confusion crossed over her face like a cloud over a sunlit patch of grass. "Darkenedpaw?" she mewed. "What are you doing here?"

I only stared at her as if in shock, my fur fluffed up from fear. Of course, that fear had been fear from being discovered, but Mintsky didn't know that. I kept my eyes wide.

"How could you?" I repeated, backing up slowly.

"Darkenedpaw, what are you-"

I turned tail and ran.

As you all know, I burst into camp, yowling bloody murder. Yet no one could believe that Mintsky, sweet, kind, and friendly Mintsky, could had done such a thing.

At first I felt panic racing through my veins. But my souls soothed me. I stalked around Mintsky, my eyes narrowed and my voice bitter. "Of course," I sneer, "you would believe her. That's what she's been doing, hasn't it? You don't know what goes on...in the souls...that voice telling me I'm nothing, that I won't be worth anything, that I won't matter in Cloveseed's eyes...in anyone's..." I broke off, my lies spun, hanging my head. There were wide eyes everywhere. Mintsky bright amber eyes were the widest.

"Darkenedpaw," she gasped.

I lifted my head as if trying to stay strong. "What's wrong? Afraid I'm going to reveal your secret?" I spat. "You've been planning to get rid of Rubblefoot, weren't you? All along! I saw you push him into the river. You knew he wouldn't be able to swim with his bad foot."

She gaped at me, her eyes even wider as she connected the dots and guessed the truth. Finally understanding.

Yet I plowed on, not letting her edge in a word, not letting her defend herself, in fear they would believe her word instead of mine.

"I saw it. I saw it all. You..." I swallowed, eyeing my audience through half-closed lids. They were hooked like a fish dangling from my claws.

"But that's not true!" Mintsky sputtered. "Rubblefoot was going to show me something! And I went ahead, and when I came back he was gone! And Darkenedpaw, why were you there?"

"I was hunting," I lied smoothly. "Just following the warriors code. I heard you two, scared off my prey you did, and, I'll admit it, overheard you two and was curious. Then I saw it. Mintsky saw me after, and that was when I ran. So that she wouldn't go after me, too." I glared at her. "Why did you go ahead if Rubblefoot was the one leading?"

"I...I..." Mintsky stammered, her eyes darting back and forth between the incredulous faces on her clan mates' faces. "I was impatient, because Rubblefoot was telling me how great it was and that it was just past the river...so I thought to wait for him there." She glared balefully at me. "Darkenedpaw! How-" I swiftly cut her off.

"Were you planning to kill me and Rubblefoot off to have Cloveseed all to yourself? To have RiverClan at your paws because you are her daughter?"

"What about you?" Mintsky shot back. "You could easily had planned the same thing! You could have just framed me!"

"Well, isn't this just fine and dandy," Ravenpaw muttered, her head swinging back and forth between us. I doubted she had any interest, what with her flat tone and bored eyes. A death is a death, in her opinion. "What a lovely family feud." Cats shot her incredulous looks; it seemed that they were incapable of any other expression. I wondered if she believed me; I wondered if she even cared. If not, that's one clan mate down. The others still were on the edge, struggling to decide.

I shook my head as I began pacing. "'Could have'? Come on, Mintsky. Don't make me the scapegoat and get rid of me that easily." I looked up at the faces of the other cats. "I am fine by myself with my family as company. How many of you have talked to me? How many of you know me? How would you know if I'm capable of cold-blooded murder? Why would you think I am ambitious or even jealous? You know Mintsky. Think about her. Isn't she always in the sunbeam? Always in the center of attention? Always talking, inviting, and kissing up to her mother? What if she wanted more?"

"I can't believe this," Mintsky said.

"Neither can I," mewed a soft voice, and when I looked over my heart sank. It was Cloveseed.

"From what I'm hearing, Rubblefoot is dead. And Mintsky killed him." I felt her gaze sear my pelt, but I didn't look down.

"I saw her do it," I meowed, my throat dry, my eyes unable to tear away from Cloveseed's sad yellow eyes. It didn't help that they were the same golden glow of Rubblefoot.

"And now Mintsky is suggesting that Darkenedpaw did," Cloveseed sighed. "I don't know what to make of it. Lightningstar?"

I felt all heat drain from my body. I didn't dare look down to show my discomfort and nerve, but was terrified Lightningstar could look into my eyes and see right through me. I focused on blocking my thoughts, thinking of anything but of the memory of Rubblefoot's surprised eyes, and thought of my souls and my nightmares instead. So startling were the imagined images that sprang to life that I gazed into empty air before I was drawn back into reality by Lightningstar's calm voice.

"We cannot judge now," he said. "Either can be lying. We don't know what happened. But I do know this: Rubblefoot will be mourned tonight."

There was a moment of silence.

"Both Mintsky and Darkenedpaw will be watched," Lightningstar continued. "If there was a murder, or if it was merely an accident and misunderstanding, we'll confirm soon enough through questioning. For now, we hope that StarClan has lit Rubblefoot's path to the stars. He is, was, a cat of great promise. We all enjoyed his company, and he proved his worth despite his bad foot. We will all miss him greatly."

I felt something clasp my throat tightly, and I blinked furiously in confusion. My stomach felt heavy, as if I had eaten too much fresh-kill. I blinked again and looked around at the bowed heads and eyes dulled with grief. And Cloveseed...my heart was squeezed when I saw my mother, her face hidden from me.

Why had this caused so much sadness? It was thick about me, shown in every face of every cat.

Why was I even wondering? I had a plan, and I will stick to it.

Lying was so easy for me. My tongue had never tripped, for it had already been rolled up with a story; all it had to do was unfold. Never had I tasted such words on my tongue, and I wanted to do it again. The adrenaline that had coursed through my veins like fish darting through a stream had filled me with energy that enhanced my performance. I was filled with pride, sick pride, let me tell you, but I was full of it. I had made something of myself in front of the entire clan.

Worst of all, I wanted to do it again. And I did.


End file.
